Mitch Hedberg

Okay, so Mitch Hedberg died in…2005, on a drug overdose. [I'm not judging.]

He is soooo fuckin funny, and tonight while i’m sitting in my extreme boredom, I found some amazing quotes from him, and I felt like sharing.

“In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s just like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think it’s a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought ‘man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog…’ You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It’s always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he’ll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to. And I’m pretty sure I’d have to punch some holes in the lid, because he’s damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won’t be doing much in his 16 ounce world.”

“I’m against picketing but I don’t know how to show it.”

“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.”

 ”I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying…”

“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dance would drive you crazy.”

“My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellows… Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.” Koala are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head. “

“I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.”

Okay, so those were my favorite Mitch Hedberg quotes…RIP, Mitch Hedberg.